Since the dawn of time, mankind has been plagued by a burning philosophical question. No, not the meaning of life. Not the existence of god. What is this question? I’m glad you asked. Perhaps you’re wondering yourself – what is the worst superpower? Well friend, you’re in luck because I’m here with the answer!
Some of you may remember a totally fucking badass show entitled Captain Planet and the Planeteers. I’ll give a brief synopsis for the hopelessly uneducated.
Humanity has been polluting the planet since the early 90s when this cartoon was created. Al Gore, the Spirit of the Earth, noticed that Los Angeles always has a nasty brown haze in the sky and smells like homeless people so he created five Magic Rings. Instead of giving the rings to Navy Seals or somebody who could actually accomplish something, Al Gore gave the rings to five carefully multicultural children from each continent so he could hit his Magic Anti-Pollution Affirmative Action quota.
Anybody who’s seen Lord of the Rings knows that having a magic ring is fucking awesome. You can turn invisible and look at boobs.
These rings are no different, except the invisibility thing. When shit really hits the fan, the kids can use the rings to summon Captain Planet, who is apparently some sort of captain despite the fact that he clearly does not own a boat.
Otherwise, each ring has its own superpower based on the earth’s elements – fire, water, earth, wind and… heart? What the fuck is “heart?” Apparently it can be used to make people care about the planet and talk to monkeys like a crazy person. Sounds pretty weak, especially when the ginger kid gets to wear a ring that shoots fireballs like Super fucking Mario.
Seriously, “heart” has to be the worst superpower. It’s the participation prize of superpowers. If they were handing out the Captain Planet Planetary Power Rings or whatever they were called and I got the “heart” ring, I’d say “Fuck you and your bullshit heart power. I’m going to go pollute something.” And I would. I’d throw a McDonald’s wrapper right on the ground in front of Captain Planet and his dumbass green mullet. Fuck him.
The kid who got the heart ring was kind of a little bitch in the first place and getting the Heart ring didn’t help anything. He probably grew up to be a sensitive guy who bought a lot of dinners for that Wind girl while she complained about how much of a dick the Fire dude is. Fuck his life! Captain Planet? More like Captain Friendzone.
If you ever find a magic ring that inspires hippie feelings about the environment instead of burning stuff to the ground like a magic ring should, do yourself a favor and chuck that piece of shit on the ground like the litter it is. Make Captain Planet clean it up. You’ll thank yourself when you’re banging an Asian girl with a ring that shoots water. Oh yeah and one more thing just to blow your mind:
Laughed your ass off, didn’t you? Read this fucking post about Otherkin
A slightly different version of this post originally appeared on my old blog Bronan The Barbarian on June 20, 2012