orbiter-magazineYesterday I witnessed one of the saddest sights a man can see. A fellow bro, mired deep in the clutches of unrequited love for a girl who’d dubbed him her “best guy friend”. As I sat and watched the poor sucker die inside, she made it good and goddamn clear that “everybody thinks we’re dating but we’re not. He’s just my really good friend.” Guys like this often don’t realize they’re trapped in the gravitational pull of The Friendzone™. Without a little help they never will. Read on for a few surefire tactics to learn how to escape the friendzone.

Stop Being Available

She’s sad. You’re there to listen. She’s moving to a new apartment. You’re there at 8 AM sharp with boxes ready to haul her fucking couch down 9 flights of stairs. I’ve been there, and it sucks. Avoid a lifetime of blue balls and lower back pain with one simple trick! Repeat after me:

“nah”

See how easy that was? A nice, relaxed (not angry or butthurt) “nah” confers an almost mystic power. Speaketh thou the magic word one more time for practice.

“nah”

It may come as a shocker but no girl wants a slave for a boyfriend. Stop doing shit for her thinking you’re gonna get laid. You won’t. No more taking her to dinner. No more driving her home at 3 AM while she vomits in the back of your nice, clean Volkswagen Golf. Just say no a few times and watch her wonder what’s up with you lately.

Hang Out With Other Girls

fat-guy-with-hot-girlDid you know there’s more than one girl out there? It may sound strange, but it’s true. At any given time, there are millions of women and at least one or two of them want to hang out with you. Ladies love a little “healthy competition”, so stir up female jealousy by hanging out with other girls. When she asks where you’ve been lately, just say “been hanging out with this chick Becky I met at the fish cannery. She’s pretty chill. Plus she’s been giving me discounts on halibut. Anyway catch you later.”

She’ll seethe that another woman is moving in on “her” territory, even though she has zero claim on you. Or does she suddenly want to claim you??? Either way, it’s win-win. You’ll either be making her jealous enough to want you or else you’ll have another girl to hang out with. Plus a discount on fish is cool.

Stop Giving A Shit, Start Being Busy

Successful guys have a lot of things going on. Work on a hobby. Start a side hustle. If you’re too busy playing drums like Animal from The Muppets, hitting the gym or being a male stripper, you’re too busy to worry about why Jenny is dating that asshole instead of you.

Realize That Being Friends Isn’t A Bad Thing

Having a girl or two on your team never hurts. You’ll get invited to more activities purely by proxy. Other girls will suddenly think you’re interesting (social proof). Plus they probably have a cute single friend or two. As long as you don’t position yourself as a human doormat, having female friends is great. Again, just make sure the friendship is a two way street and you’re not just mopping the floor all day while she bitches about her boyfriend.

Conclusion

Remember:

  • The universe doesn’t care about you
  • There is no god or afterlife
  • Your body will rot and all your achievements will ultimately be forgotten in the vastness of the void

Got that in mind? Good! Make sure you aren’t wasting your precious time chasing somebody who doesn’t want to be with you in the first place. Good luck in your endeavors while escaping the friend zone!

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