You, like most Americans, are probably a fat sack of crap. As a former childhood tubbo who has honed his body into godlike physical perfection, I have the authority to yell motivational phrases at you as well as mercilessly make fun of your puny weakling arms or gigantic cottage cheese ass. Time to get off the couch and into the gym with these amazingly actionable fitness and nutrition tips from me, your new personal trainer.

Drop The Twinkies, Jackass

fat redneck eating twinkieI’m the first to admit that these gelatinous blobs of spongy toxic waste are disgusting delicious, but the human body simply isn’t built to withstand the Yellow #5 payload that a Twinkie delivers. These sugar-rich nuclear warheads of fat fuckery will expand those manboobz faster than an Obama budget deficit, so put down the Twinkies and pick up some broccoli instead.

Do Some Pushups, Hippie

girl doing push upsHave you ever tried to have crazy monkey sex after a chest workout? Probably not, because you’re a doughy tub of guts and have never spoken to an actual woman. Anyway, it’s pretty difficult to hold yourself in a plank position for hours at a time if you can’t even squeeze out one fucking pushup. If you want to be the Don Juan of whatever shitty cubicle job you’re stuck in, make sure you can knock out a few pushups when the need arises. Like when Batman did all those pushups and had to throw the burning log off himself later in the movie. This shit happens!

Ride A Bike, Bitch

nerd on bikeOwning a car is an expensive pain in the ass. I practically have a brain aneurysm every time I get behind the wheel because I’m a shitty driver and have to deal with other shitty drivers. Circumvent this vicious cycle, wave your middle finger at Big Oil and develop rock-hard calves at the very same time by purchasing a bike and riding that squeaky bastard everywhere you go. Plus if you grow a stupid mustache, you can get a job as a bike taxi guy and cougars will grab your dick. Seriously, I saw it happen in Denver one time. The biking benefits are endless.

Lay Off The Sauce, Asshole

skinny guy making out with fat girlThey don’t call it a beer gut for nothing. The average alcoholic drink has like a million billion calories, so after a night of hard partying you’ll need to hit the cardio hard to lose weight. On the bright side, you can shed a few pounds quickly by chewing your arm off in order to escape the wildebeest you brought home from the bar last night.

If All Else Fails…

Start doing steroids if you’re a guy, or barf yourself skinny if you’re a girl. Real men don’t give a shit if their balls are the size of pea gravel, and puking is a great ab workout.

If you have further questions, feel free to send me an email. Mention you read my blog every day like it’s the Word Of God and I’d be happy to wave my initial consultation fee. Good luck on your path to fitness!

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