Matt’s Top 5 Heathen Gods That Are Better Than The Regular Boring Judeo-Christian God

Walking through the local college campus is pretty hazardous. I must wear too many black metal shirts because I’m often assaulted by religious guys trying to get me to go to their church. Today I asked myself, “Why would I waste my Sundays hanging out with that Jesus guy, when I could be partying down with some way more kick-ass mythological figures?” Let’s take a look at a list of deities worthy of some serious worship and/or metal songs.

5. Nike

Rainbow Nike Air Jordan ShoesNike is the Greek goddess of victory and, more importantly, patron goddess of athletic footwear. Nike is my go-to goddess whenever I pray for the local sports team to win. Well, she would be if I actually gave a shit about sports. This is good for her, because I’m not bothering her with annoying prayers for fantasy football team victories or bitching about untied shoelaces. Bottom line: Get yourself a pair of Nike shoes and holla at your girl Nike if you need a boost when running from the cops.

4. Xipe Totec

Xipe Totec Aztec God dietyAlso known as the Flayed God, Xipe Totec is the Mesoamerican god of a bunch of different shit including agriculture, vegetation, the direction “east” and seasons. Xipe Totec kicks ass because, like most other Mesoamerican gods, he loves him some human sacrifice. If you’re a god and you don’t demand a bunch of human sacrifice from your followers, you’re a punk ass bitch.

3. Cthulhu

Cthulhu Elder GodBlasphemous elder god and the inspiration for basically every death metal song ever, as well as a line of little knit hats, Cthulhu is hell-bent on destroying the world or killing all humans or whatever other evil shit is in the evil job description. Be forewarned: Worshipping Cthulhu is a huge pain in the ass because every once in a while there’s a spelling test and you have to spell the word “Cthulhu.”

2. Thor

fat drunk thorThe Vikings had it figured out. Basically they got wrecked on mead, fought everybody, raped and pillaged, and when they died, they got to do it all again in Valhalla. Now that’s the sort of party religion I can get behind. God of thunder (and, presumably, rock ‘n roll), Thor wields a mighty hammer and uses it to beat the hell out of everybody in Norse mythology and the Marvel Universe. Take it from me, a big drunk Viking with a hammer is someone you absolutely do not want to fuck around with but you do want to write a metal song about.

1. Five Beer Clint

Man Drinking 5 Beers At OnceThough not associated with any particular “religion,” Five Beer Clint is a god nonetheless. After consuming five beers (no more, no less) Five Beer Clint is capable of such godlike activities as:

– Breaking into the local middle school
– Ollieing a skateboard over actual lit fireworks
– Speaking to a woman
– Backing up and parking a trailer
– Throwing dog shit against the neighbor’s wall using a shovel

As if he wasn’t already clearly worthy of the average man’s adoration, Five Beer Clint is also really tall. Pretty sweet, huh?

If you’re looking to put some zazz in your spiritual life, feel free to pick out any of these gods. Pretty much any of them is as good as the next, so you know, like whatever. Happy praying!

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By | 2017-12-17T23:15:14-06:00 February 18th, 2015|Categories: Humor|Tags: , , , , |1 Comment

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Matt Lawrence is the world's greatest illustrator and humor author. Hire him to do your next design project.