It’s a new year and that means it’s time for a new you! It’s also the time when a bunch of jerks invade the gym en masse hoping a few weeks’ worth of working out will transform them from amorphous tubs of guts into badass Steven Seagal stunt doubles. For real, good for you for getting into the weight room. However, your inexperience is pretty annoying for the regular gym rats. Luckily your main man Matt is here to teach you the gym etiquette way, as in “get the hell out of my.” Speaking of which:

1. Get The Hell Out Of My Way – This may be the most important lesson to learn in the gym. The weight room is a large, confusing and intimidating place, especially with all the clanking and steroids. Don’t just aimlessly meander between machines like a drunken pinball. Move like you have a purpose, and that purpose is “don’t be a fatass.” If you don’t know where something is, ask someone who doesn’t look like an idiot. Most people are cool and will tell you where stuff is/how to use it. The rest will punch you in the dick. Choose wisely.

Gettin’ huge

2. Rack The Weights Properly – Seriously people, I can’t stress this enough. Rack those bitches in their properly labeled spot. This means 30 lbs goes in the slot that says “30.” Remember kindergarten when they had that little game where you tried to put the round peg in the square hole but you eventually stopped eating rubber cement and figured out that it goes in the round hole? It’s like that but easier.

3. Take A Shower, You Hippie – Physical activity is fun, but one of the side effects is sweat. Don’t be the guy standing there emitting pungent body oder that’s as eye-watering as a newly sliced onion. Cleanliness is godliness, so earn your way into heaven/valhalla/nirvana/whatever by grabbing the nearest bar of soap. Otherwise I’m gonna take matters into my own hands and Febreeze your stank ass.

$65/half hour and she’ll talk to you

4. Hiring Female Personal Trainers For The Sole Purpose of Trying To Get Laid – Personal training is a great way to step up your workouts and get into shape. However, if you suck bad enough that you have to pull this transparent stunt, know ye this – it’s never gonna happen. With that being said, keep reaching for that golden star. It’s incredibly entertaining for those around you when she makes you do those goofy jump-up-and-down-on-a-box workouts.

5. Hang Up The Phone – For real son, get off the phone. I’m sick of overhearing how your roommate broke up with her boyfriend, you closed that real estate deal or how you forgot to pick up organic ferret cheese at Whole Foods. Unless your rugrats set the school principal’s dog on fire for the fifth time today, it can wait until you’re done with your box jumps.

This information may seem difficult and counterintuitive, but with hard work, patience and practice, you’ll wind up parking your ass on the couch eating chips because watching Cop Drama is way easier than lifting weights. For the two point five weeks you’re still in the gym bugging the shit out of me, try to take these handy gym etiquette tips to heart. Until next year! Adios!

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