Everybody likes to watch movies. Personally, I skip the romance, drama and comedy, because watching that sort of thing will turn you into a sissy. When it’s time to hit the cinema, I want some action, and that means seeing explosions, fights, boobs, car chases, guns, one-liners and more fights. Here’s my list of action heroes that mean business, in no particular order:
Jim Varney – The original pioneer of the “Ernest Goes To ______ ” genre, the late, great Jim Varney is the only hardcore badass capable of going up against trolls, children and people named Vern, often in the same movie. KnowwhatImean? Yeah you do. Plus I’m pretty sure he’s the inspiration for this:
Remarkably similar
Cinema classic: Ernest Scared Stupid
Quote of the century: “How ’bout a bumper sandwich, boogerlips?”
Steven Seagal – Chuck Norris? Please. That guy’s a hack. If you’re looking for extreme martial arts kickassery, look no further than Seven Seagal. And what an actor! Just look at his emotional range:
The many faces of Steven Seagal
Awe-Inspiring Movie: Under Siege
Philosophical quote: “I’m just a cook.”
Barney: Some people say Barney spreads atheism and homosexuality, but I say fuck you because Barney is a TYRANNOSAURUS REX, which is totally the most killingest of all daytime imaginary children’s characters.
Buy this now: Barney’s Great Adventure
Start saying this shit: “I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family.”
Paul Reubens: This man is my personal hero because you absolutely do not want to mess with a guy that owns a talking chair. Pee-Wee Herman is so badass, he just whips out his dick in public places, says “go to hell” and starts jerking it. This dude basically lives the money-and-bitches lifestyle of a Columbian drug lord, except with more makeup and leisure suits.
Yo check this out: Big Top Pee-Wee
You just said: “The secret word”
You think you can handle these badass action heroes? Rent a few of these movies, grab some popcorn and get ready for a ninja kick of awesomeness straight to the dome. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to put on my Barney pajamas and get ready for bed.
