Awkward comedies are the worst. In fact, cringe-worthy crapfests like Big Bang Theory or Curb Your Enthusiasm usually make me leave the room. I got an awkward wedding invitation a few years ago that was worthy of Larry David. Not only had I dated the bride, I’d also hooked up with one of her sorority sisters and lost my virginity to her high school best friend – all of which would be in attendance.
To cap it all off, the groom (decent dude but I barely knew him) was friends with a bunch of lame guys who wanted me to go to the bachelor party. Since I’m pretty much the only one who has a clue about good times, one of the dork squad actually asked me to assume the role of planning the event. Yeah, that sounds like a very obvious trap great idea. I’ll start booking Star Wars-themed strippers right now.
I was hanging out at one of my favorite restaurants while the waitress (a former girlfriend’s roommate) listened to me explain the bizarre wedding scenario. Some random guy sitting next to us chimed into our conversation and the three of us hammered out a cost/benefit analysis of attending a wedding filled with former flings. The waitress left so I talked to the dude for a while until he bailed to go to some hippie concert.
The next day, I woke up to a text from my bang buddy. “Tell me you didn’t just get a missed connection on Craigslist”. Confused by sleep and the excitement of Craigslist, I had no idea what she was talking about. “Ug!” I said, which roughly translated to, “Who is this mystery internet lass? Is she attractive? I’ll settle for ‘not fat’.” I issued a command to obtain the URL so I could get connectin’:
Hi Matt
We met for the first time tonight in a basement bar. You were with some friends, and I was alone on my way to a concert.
We talked about music, work, computers and a wedding.
I know it’s a long shot, but I thought you were as interested as I was (and probably as shy!).
Reply if you’re interested…very low key here for sure!
Well, spank my ass and call me Rob Halford! Sho’ nuff, it was the dude from the restaurant. I’d spent twenty minutes telling this guy probably the most bro story he’d ever heard, yet here he was hoping for a gay hookup? Talk about missing the point of “I banged an entire social circle and now one of them wants me to watch her get married.” I couldn’t help but laugh.
Of course, the girl who’d found the ad had a field day making fun of me. “You gonna answer it or what? Was he cute? Get out your assless chaps!” She took it upon herself to answer for me:
Dear silly gay guy,
Since it’s opening day for the Rockies, I figured I’d let you know that Matt doesn’t play for your team. Better luck next season.
Well, at least I have the bragging rights that I got a missed connection. Maybe next time it’ll be that angry middle-aged woman with the shopping cart and the goiter who kept eyeing me hungrily on the bus. Here’s to hoping!
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