So, you’ve decided to enter the wide world of parenthood. Congratulations. Whether you purposely intended to have children, got knocked up by that dude you met at Burger King or merely had a child randomly appear in your windowless candy van, you probably have no idea how to prevent your spawn from pissing off everyone around you. Ignore the fact that I don’t have kids, because it’s time to fix your shitty parenting skills with my guide to raising children!
How To Feed Your Child
Nutrition, dawg
The first step in effective parenting is keeping your child alive. One of the best ways to ensure continued biological function is to feed it. You pretty much need do this every day, so if you’re the forgetful type, get one of those little auto-feeder things that they put in hamster cages.
You’ll also need to decide what to feed your child. If you’re female or have a wife/girlfriend/cleaning lady, you may want to consider having them breastfeed the kid. Just make sure to keep it out of the public eye, because breastfeeding has the unfortunate effect of making single dudes like myself remember that boobs are not just for my own personal enjoyment. You can also feed your kid a bunch of sugar, ensuring that the child has enough fuel for a hard day of being obese. Whatever’s easiest, you aren’t trying to be Mary Poppins here.
How To Entertain Your Child
Are you not entertained?!?!
Back in the day, effective parenting meant doing stuff like tossing a baseball around with your kid. Thanks to modern inventions such as TV and video games, that sort of boring personal interaction is a thing of the past. Just plop your rug monkey in front of any glowing screen and you’ll have plenty of free time to sit on your ass and watch other people play sports on a different TV.
The entertainment industry will also help program useful personality traits into your child. For example, if you want to prep your kid for a lifetime of hardcore hallucinogen usage, make him/her watch a lot of Yo Gabba Gabba. If you’d like to inspire your child to create artistic masks from human flesh, choose creepy PBS show Caillou. Want your kid to grow up to be a total badass as well as develop a healthy respect for Arnold Schwarzenegger? Put Predator on repeat. That’s what my parents let me watch, and I turned out great.
How To Control Your Child
Leash ’em up
Having a child is a lot like having a dog, mainly because you need to find a way to prevent it from shitting in the neighbors yard. Although you can spend long hours training your dog child not to bite the hell out of fellow Walmart patrons, it’s way easier to buy one of those child leashes and drag the little munchkin around. I’d suggest getting the one that’s shaped like a monkey, as anything monkey-shaped distracts from the fact that you have a kid on a leash. Plus you can yell “GET OVER HERE!” a la Scorpion from Mortal Kombat whenever you pull the kid away from oncoming traffic or the candy aisle.
How To Discipline Your Child
Don’t you ever fall down that well again, Timmy
Ok, so the kid just blew a rail of Pixie Stix, broke free of the monkey leash and is now running rampant through the airport/grocery store/McDonalds Playplace while peeing on various passengers and foodstuffs. You have two solutions: either you can perpetuate the problem with empathy, communication and trust, or you can ditch the hippie horseshit and give your kid an ol’ fashioned ass whoopin’.
I’d highly suggest using Grandpa Ray’s solution: send the kid out into the woods with a pocket knife and make him cut his/her own switch, then proceed with the ass beating. Bonus! If you do this often enough, the government will come and take your child away so you can continue the rockin’ pre-kid life you used to lead.
Other Useful Childcare Tips:
- Don’t share drugs/alcohol with your kid as they will find your stash and steal your shit
- Absolutely do not bring your child to the gym along with an armada of other parents and carry them on the treadmill for half an hour in one of those stupid Baby Bjorn things because you will look like a herb
- If your kid is getting chubby and you’re sick of buying them extra food, get them to exercise by chasing them around on your mobility scooter and poking them with a cattle prod
Here’s a song to get you motivated for the joys of parenthood. Happy childrearing!
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