The Blackest of all Fridays is nearly here. After hurdling over the traditional feeding frenzy that is Thanksgiving, it’s time to get your spend on. Dunno about you, but I’ve never been more excited to waste roughly double my monthly income on people I barely know/care about. It’s time to spread that holiday fungus cheer with my Official Guide to Black Friday Survival!

Supplies That You’ll Need For Black Friday

  • Tent
  • Marshmallows
  • Chocolate
  • Graham Crackers
  • Fi$t Fulla Dolla$
  • Cocaine or alarm clock (your choice)
  • Brass Knuckles

Black Friday Campout

Black Friday camping

As any grandmaster Black Friday shopping ninja knows, busting in the store like a crazy person several moments before other shoppers is easier when you camp out in front of Best Buy overnight. Black Friday storefront camping excursions are just like regular camping minus the peace, tranquility and bear attacks. You have two options when doing a Black Friday Campout:

  • Bring actual camping gear (tent, s’mores) for comfort & fun family memories
  • Sleep standing up like a horse so you don’t have to haul a bunch of camping shit around

Either option is good. Around 4 AM use your cocaine or alarm clock to wake up in time for…

Entering The Actual Store

Entering the store on black friday

All that camping and s’mores have paid off! You’re at the front of the line and energetic from marshmallow consumption. Now that you’ve spent a minimum of 24 hours salivating over the buygasm you’re about to experience, it’s time go all Kool Aid Man and bust your way into some bargains. They didn’t invent the phrase “doorbuster” deals for no reason. You’ll want to use locally available materials (broken chunks of sidewalk, fellow shoppers’ severed heads, etc) to break down the actual door and break into actual savings. At this point go ahead and use your brass knuckles to smash in the faces of fellow shoppers who are foolhardy enough to get the way of your singleminded purchasing goals.

Gettin’ That Merchandise 

Black Friday shopping merchandise

Once you’ve loaded up your shopping cart with a king’s ransom worth of flat screen TVs and Tickle Me Michael Jackson dolls, it’s time to make your way back to the checkout line. Watch out! Other shoppers may try to stick their sugar-encrusted mitts into your cart and quickly steal an item or two. Remember that this is America and you didn’t just kill three elderly people to have your children’s happiness snatched out of your shopping cart by people who are too lazy to camp. Feel free to beat some ass as necessary until you’re at the front of the line. Once you’ve secured your position as supreme ruler of the consumer garbage heap, wave your Fi$t Fulla Dolla$ threateningly at the clerk until he or she meekly accepts your purchasing superiority. Staple the receipt to the neck of your firstborn child for safekeeping.

Congratulations! You’ve officially conquered Black Friday.

The broken bodies of staff members and geezers litter the aisles as you are crowned Supreme Consumer Deity of Best Buy/Walmart/wherever you are currently located. Wash the blood off of your brass knuckles and enroll in some MMA classes to begin preparation for next year’s Black Friday.