Much like the living dead, Thanksgiving is slowly lumbering dangerously near. However, unlike a zombie, you can’t just willy-nilly shoot Uncle Frank in the head even though he’s scratching his nut sack two inches in front of your new girlfriend’s nose. Instead of being forced to endure your asshole relatives ruining another holiday, just embrace the suck with a few of my recipes  specifically designed to make your Crapsgiving vomit-inducing memorable. What’s on the menu this holiday season? Check it out!

Beer-Battered Totino’s Pizza

Treat your Crapsgiving guests to a brand-new spin on this traditional Native American dish.  

Ingredients:
1 Totino’s Crisp Crust Party Pizza (sausage or pepperoni or whatever)
1 Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer (can or bottle)
1 box toothpicks

Preparation Instructions:
1. Obtain a wok (can be stolen at gunpoint from any reliable Chinese restaurant)
2. Preheat wok to “pretty fucking hot”
3. Remove Totino’s Party Pizza from box
3 1/2. Place Totino’s Party Pizza in wok
4. Wok up Totino’s Party Pizza while pouring in can/bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon brand alcoholic beverage
5. Cook until beer evaporates
6. Let cool until soggy
7. Roll into cylindrical form, pierce w/toothpick, serve & enjoy

Dwight Yoakam’s Chicken Fries 

Country music superstar Dwight Yoakam injects the fresh new flavor of chicken into traditional holiday french fries. Give your Crapsgiving hoedown a touch of down-home country goodness with Dwight Yoakam’s Chicken Fries.

 
Ingredients
One (1) box Dwight Yoakam’s Chicken Fries
1-2 gallons ranch dressing
1 pair rubber gloves

Preparation Instructions:
1. Bribe sober friend to drive you to Safeway
2. Purchase/steal 1 box Dwight Yoakam’s Chicken Fries and some ranch dressing
3. Preheat wok to “pretty fucking hot”
4. Wok up entire box Dwight Yoakam’s Chicken Fries
Optional: Add remaining Pabst Blue Ribbon brand alcoholic beverage for flavor
5. Remove Dwight Yoakam’s Chicken Fries from wok using rubber gloves
6. Arrange Dwight Yoakam’s Chicken Fries in an artful manner on large serving platter
7. Pour 1 gallon ranch dressing onto serving platter, let soak for 20 mins
8. Serve & enjoy

Traditional Crapsgiving Tuna Mac & Cheese

Show your family and loved ones you give a crap with this delightful recipe for Traditional Crapsgiving Tuna Mac & Cheese. 

Ingredients:
3 boxes Kraft Macaroni & Cheese (Pokemon-shaped)
2 cans or bottles Pabst Blue Ribbon beer
3 cans tuna fish
1 copy NWA’s Straight Outta Compton

Preparation Instructions:
1. Place 1 copy Straight Outta Compton inside music-listening device
2. Select/play track 2 “Fuck Tha Police”
3. Sing along while preheating wok to “pretty fucking hot”
4. Bring 2 cans Pabst Blue Ribbon brand alcoholic beverage to a boil
5. Open 3 boxes Pokemon-shaped Kraft Macaroni & Cheese
6. Remove little cheese packets and place to the side
7. Pour in & boil Pokemon-shaped macaroni pieces, stir until pasta softens to “al dente”
8. Open tuna cans by repeatedly beating can on sidewalk until open
9. Stir in tuna & little cheese packets
10. Cool to room temperature, serve & enjoy

Little Debbie Swiss Cake Roll Pyramid

Top off the Crapsgiving tank with this traditional Egyptian-themed sugary treat.

Ingredients:
1 box Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls
1 oz marijuana
1 marijuana bong

Preparation Instructions:
1. Open 1 box Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls
2. Unwrap each individually-wrapped Swiss Cake Roll
3. Artfully arrange unwrapped Swiss Cake Rolls into traditional pyramid shape on dessert tray
4. Place dessert tray on roommate’s bed
5. Preheat marijuana bong to “pretty fucking hot”
6. Present roommate with marijuana bong, serve & enjoy
7. Roommate takes weed nap directly on top of Swiss Cake Rolls
8. Roommate awakens, delighted, to smashed treats

Feel free to incorporate a few new traditional Crapsgiving traditions into your family’s meal. Make sure to bring a camera to document the glowing smiles on your loved one’s faces. Happy Crapsgiving!