The LeprechaunTop o’ the mornin’ to ya! Guess what’s happening this week? No, not your court-mandated urinalysis/visitation hour. It’s St. Patrick’s Day, and you know what that means! Candy for all! No, wait. That’s Halloween. I mean lots of presents! No, that’s Christmas. Wait, what the hell is St. Patrick’s day about anyway? Glad you asked. Come along with me and my buddy The Leprechaun and we’ll try to figure it out.

What is Saint Patrick’s Day?

patrick swayze on horse

“Saint” Patrick and his legendary horse

St. Patrick’s Day, or “Lá Fhéile Pádraig” as it is more uncommonly known, was originally a holiday commemorating the day Patrick Swayze introduced dirty dancing to Ireland. These days people have really gotten away from the core traditions of St. Patrick’s Day and now it’s mainly an excuse to vomit before 10 AM.

St. Patrick’s Day, much like every other holiday that doesn’t involve hanging around uptight family members, revolves around getting completely hammered. Unlike lamer holiday mascots, St. Patrick himself demands that you pretend to be Irish by wearing green, getting blackout drunk on bottom-shelf whiskey and experiencing at least one potato famine. Failure to adhere to these requirements will result in you being forced to listen to 6 hours of Metallica’s shitty “Whiskey in the Jar” cover.

St. Patrick’s Day FAQ

St Patrick's Day Amateur HourQ: “What if I’m a total dork who never ventures out of my basement and has no clue how to party? Am I still welcome to participate in St. Patrick’s Day?”
A: You betcha! St. Patrick’s Day is also affectionately referred to as “St. Amateur’s Day.” This means that every dumb fuck between the ages of 14 and 65 should get as wasted as possible as early as possible, clogging every street gutter with an endless river of green vomit and embarrassment.

Q: “I caught a leprechaun! How do I persuade him to give me his pot o’ gold?” 
A: That’s actually a midget, but I suspect he’d hook you up with a 10 spot if you give him a “five leaf clover” (hand job).

Groundskeeper Willie wearing a kiltQ: “Is it cool if I start a soccer riot for the purposes of celebrating St. Patrick’s Day while wearing a kilt?”
A: Soccer hooliganism and kilts are Scottish, but whatever. It’s all the same shit as long as you’re hammered.

I hope that you’ve learned a bit about how to properly celebrate St. Patrick’s Day! If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to explore the true meaning of St. Patrick’s Day – chasing hot gingers!

Beautiful hot ginger redhead girl st patrick's day wearing green

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