Christmas is just around the corner! That means presents, family and the crushing credit card debt/ulcers that come along with both. Just like a recurring case of herpes, Santa Claus is also making his annual visit. Although you might be under the impression that Santa is a jolly old fellow bearing gifts, I’m here to reveal the truth – Santa Claus is an asshole.

Santa Claus drunk in the gutter

Ho-ho-horrible impulse control


Santa is lazy. The shmuck only works one day a year. The rest of the time he’s blowing his unemployment check on Mad Dog 20/20 and laying around drunk in a gutter. If he’s screwing around 364 days out of the year, you’d think he’d at least have time to hit the gym. He’s got a pretty  serious beer gut and probably has the diabeetus. Speaking of which:

Overweight fat santa claus

Santa is way out of shape. Seriously, this christmas ham chows down on nothing but cookies all day. I see enough bowls full of jelly meandering aimlessly around Walmart. The last thing I want to do is pry Santa’s flabby ass out of my chimney with a crowbar on Christmas morning. Help Santa slim down a bit this holiday season by leaving him a plate full of Slim Fast, methamphetemine and tapeworms.


dobby the house elf

Sucks to be you

Santa supports slave labor. Forget the glass ceiling, Santa gives elves the glass table. Why get elves to build toys? They probably suck at it and I doubt they even get paid since Santa’s broke as shit. Santa ought to hire an Asian sweatshop instead. They’d probably do a better job at twice the speed and half the food cost. 

Drunk santa stumbling and hitting his head on a car

This guy can’t judge his own BAC, let alone who gets presents

Santa Claus is judgmental. Who gave this slobbed-out cookie fiend the ability to decide who gets presents? Just because I want to blow coke off a Ukrainian hooker’s ass without letting Santa have any, the jerk leaves me a lump of coal. What am I supposed to do with coal? I have central heating! Useless. Next time you’re thinking of leaving a plate of treats for this chump, remember: screw Santa Claus. He’s a lazy ass mooch and his fashion sucks. Until next time, enjoy this traditional hymn about Santa Claus.

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