I love the gym. Not only is it a great place to become an ultra badass, it’s also one of the best venues to observe and laugh at a bunch of weirdos. Welcome to today’s edition of Favorite Gym Characters!
The Power Ranger
This dude’s mom must have let him choose his own outfit before emerging from whatever basement he dwells in, because he straight up looks like the 40 Year Old Bright Ass Neon Yellow Ranger. Much like the Great Wall of China, you can see his brightly-colored sweatband plumage from space. Unlike the Yellow Ranger, this dude has a shitload of Jesus tattoos and busts the mack on every personal trainer in sight.
Ankle Monitor Gangsta
Either this dude has a gigantic square tumor with a flashing LED light, or The Man let him out on workout release. I’m constantly wondering if Ankle Monitor Gangsta developed his totally fresh pimp walk by slinging rock, or if he’s just limping because he dropped a dumbbell on his Lugs. Either way, homeboy is straight wankster legit.
Are you there, Jah? This trustafarian stink bomb sure is, and he looks exactly like Andy Samburg. Ras Trent sports an award-winning stanky ginger dreadlock rat’s nest, as well as a body funk powerful enough to summon forth the ganja ghost of Bob Marley.
This reanimated fossil scares the bejeebus out of me, since every sighting conjures up images of a mutant virus apocalypse a la Stephen King’s The Stand. Luckily, she sports both a stylish and reassuring SARS mask, as well as a bulky sweatshirt advertising the phrase “Please Ignore The Mask, I Am Healthy.” If she suddenly starts sporting an Umbrella Corporation hat, I’m running for the hills.
Pine Sol Guy
The worst of the worst, this stinky schmuck practically lives in the gym. Seriously, they ought to charge him rent. I’ve seen him alternately working out, napping, dying his hair and surfing Craigslist Casual Encounters on his foot-thick Windows 95 laptop. Walking into the locker room after Pine Sol Guy’s eye-watering post-workout cologne bath is like entering a Iraqi chemical weapons plant. It burnses!