Interesting weirdos can be observed in just about any public venue, including an apartment complex or the gym. If you want to discover an odd nexus of socially inept dorks with Final Fantasy tattoos, white trash dudes on steroids and militant lesbians with anger management issues, head to your nearest martial arts dojo and let the fun begin!
Anime Kid
There are usually 50 weeaboos in every martial arts institution, but one Anime Kid rules them all with his supreme dorkery. Anime Kid actually wasted four years of college getting a degree in “sword smithing,” except this isn’t feudal Japan and even the most retarded hippie college won’t let you invent a major as useless as sword smithing. He went for the next best thing… Jewelry making??? Anime Kid is fat as fuck, smells like a wet dog’s ass and is the four-time winner of the White Knight Chump award. Able to withstand repeated kicks to his chubbo belly and willing to discuss shitty female-fronted metal bands for hours, the only way to send Anime Guy packing is to discuss the various skanks you’ve banged in graphic detail.
Tapout Slut
40 years old with NBA-approved fake tits the size of basketballs, Tapout Slut has a commemorative tattoo and six kids from each of her four failed marriages. Tapout Slut has her divorce attorney on speed dial and can be found in the locker room blowing fighters that are younger than her kids after every match. Luckily her multiple child support checks keep the facelifts and fresh dick rollin’ in, making her life a perpetual Affliction-flavored cougar hunt.
Featherweight Kid
Anime Kid’s fedorable roommate, this skinnyfat dweeb verbally fantasizes about developing the martial arts skill to save a damsel in distress. Standing at 5’4″ and meaty 100 lbs, Featherweight Kid prides himself on throwing lightning-quick, yet harmless punches that are laughed off with the greatest of ease. Featherweight Kid is slowly developing a collection of kanji and koi fish tattoos while masturbating daily to the thought of meeting an actual Asian person. His own greatest enemy is his ponytail, both in the martial arts and dating world.
Overly-Aggro Tapout Guy
MMA Slut’s current baby daddy, this scary sonovabitch was supposedly dishonorably discharged from the military for beating a dude down with a beer bottle and then eating pieces of broken glass. Add a daily steroids and methamphetamine regime into the mix and he’s a one-man bar brawl waiting to happen. At 23 years old, the dude has already done three separate prison sentences and can usually be found yelling “I ain’t no faggit” over and over as he beats the holy hell out of MMA Slut a punching bag.
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Originally published on July 6, 2012 at my old blog Bronan The Barbarian
