Tinder started out as a great way to meet a boatload of new dating prospects, but that magical early adopter phase is as dead as a skunk living under a McDonalds grease trap. As it gains popularity, Tinder is slowly becoming the same primordial SIF wasteland that Plenty of Fish and OkCupid devolved into roughly 7 years ago. Ever since Uncle Ralph died in that tragic lawnmower explosion, even Aunt Gertrude has a tinder profile trying to score some strange.
The caloric overload of unacceptable Tinder matches means it’s even worse on the girls’ end. For every lardy lass with 4 kids demanding a 6 foot tall millionaire, there’s 30 cringeworthy fedora dorks mass-spamming dick pics to anything with a pulse. As an industrious dude looking to improve his online dating presence, you have a golden opportunity to learn what not to do on Tinder by examining the competition. I asked a couple of female friends to screencap some examples so you can see what you’re up against. Away we go!
Bragging about being a nerd seems to be fairly common. I’m blaming the influence of abysmally unfunny shows like The Big Bang Theory. The reality is, a “nerdy” persona only works if you’re physically attractive. When girls say “I like nerdy guys”, they really mean “I like hot guys with glasses”. “Nerd” doesn’t necessarily mean “smart”, since this dude somehow managed to misspell the word “band”. On the bright side, ending with “that is all” is an effective way to display your one-dimensionality.
The Fedora Guy
I’m not even going to bother dissecting the “About” section. I read through about 75% of it and spontaneously lapsed into a coma because it’s that fucking boring and generic. However, any time I see a fedora I have to ask myself, “Has this guy ever seen the internet?” You’d have to actually live in the darkest corner of your mom’s basement to ignore the well-documented fact that fedoras are a dating death sentence. This is the face of a man who’s purchased a thousand dinners and held a girl’s hand that one time at prom. I asked my female friend what she thought of this guy when she gave me the screenshot. Her immediate response was, “I bet he jerks off a lot”. Burn your fedora immediately unless you want to reap the same comment from girls across the land.
Happy Hour Herb
This guy is condemned to fashion hell for wearing an undershirt with a polo. Despite the prominently displayed microbrew, this happy hour warrior gets thirsty with “[fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][bikini] is an automatic YES!” I’m sure the swimsuits are dropping faster than you can say “malty IPA with a hint of hoppy barleycorn yeast”. He’s also rolling the dice with his Big Lebowski quote, since women are likely to miss references. If you really must quote a movie (don’t), at least play it safe with extremely low-brow comedies (think any Will Farrell crapfest) or a recent pop culture phenomenon that everyone is familiar with.
The Court Jesters
This goofy gentleman gets one thing right in his bio, and that’s “You probably won’t like me.” That’s because there’s a fine line between being funny and being a clown. This guy’s entire profile is a torrential downpour of horrendous clown one-liners. He even has a gigantic clown prop in the form of a huge wine glass. The only thing more played out than “You can find me on blackpeoplemeet.com, farmersonly and christianmingle” is a variation of “I Tinder on the toilet”. That line is so prevalent that out of the 10 screencaps I received from the girls, two guys have that same joke. Observe:
This guy is completely bankrupt of any wit or original thought. The “Keep Calm and _______” meme is possibly the most overdone piece of imagery in modern society. I probably don’t need to tell you that Chuckles The Clown saying “Keep calm n drink crown royal” in his bright-ass-pink-not-at-all-clownish outfit is a bad idea.
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