I’ve drawn some pretty bizarre things during my 15 year graphic design career. Most of these revolve around some weird sex thing.
I’ve done dozens of YouTube thumbnails for a popular swinger’s web site. This involved me watching each video until I could pause and catch a single frame of the happy couple smiling lovingly at each other (lol)
I made a logo for a spider-themed S&M dungeon, paid for in bitcoin so the transaction was untraceable. Then the woman asked for an invoice with her name and address on it for a tax write off (lol)
I even had some weird old guy pay me $500 to photoshop his wife’s face onto several pics of greasy 90s porn stars with gigantic fake tits (wtf)
This particular episode is self-inflicted though.
I’m currently drawing a NEET gooncave for my band Haunted By The Aborted’s upcoming sophomore album, entitled “DRIP-FED DOPAMINE”.
Part of this task involves cramming the image with every degenerate item imaginable. I decided to draw a Fleshlight® laying on the floor, so I had to go look up the official Fleshlight™ web site to see what one looks like. (Side note: I am actually drawing this)
Talk about a mistake.
Not only are my targeted ads going to go apeshit for the next few weeks, I should probably hit up the nearest Catholic priest for an exorcism or two after looking at that godforsaken digital nightmare.
The branded porn star replica fuck holes are bad enough. Ever want to experience Bonnie Blue’s blown out catcher’s mitt? Well, thanks to the magice of Fleshlight™ , you can! They even have a “Sleeve of the Month Club” for the most chronic of masturbators. What self-respecting goon wouldn’t sign up?
However, the real highlight of this man-made horror beyond all comprehension is actually a 3 way tie, which I’ve edited for your sanity’s sake.
- If jerkin’ it to 3+ hours of DANCES WITH WOLVES (in space) wasn’t enough and you need MOAR GOONING, pick up the sparkly blue JAMES CAMERON’S AVATAR “Fleshari” extraterrestrial breeding hole! Guaranteed to give you some kind of exotic alien STD or your money back.
- Too normal? I thought so. How about the “Demogussy”, a STRANGER THINGS fuckable interdimensional plant creature face orifice. Probably full of cat claws and sandpaper or something, god only knows.
- Dunno about you, but when I think of creatures with two mouths that bleed acid, I can’t help but get a boner. Presenting HR Geiger’s most nightmarish Officially Licensed Merch Item™ the XENOHGR face hugger, for hours of “symbiotic pleasure”. Probably burns your dick off with acid. Treat yourself, you deserve it!
Imagine rolling over to your buddy’s house to watch a sportsball game. You start poking through his nightstand trying to steal his crypto wallet passphrase then discover one of these silicone nightmares hidden in the back. You’d never look at him the same. There’s obviously a demand for these unique products, or nobody would manufacture them. But seriously, who??
I’ll tell you who.
These devices are for the elite. The hardest of hardcore porn-brained coomers. The kind of disgusting, dedicated jerker who has carpal tunnel syndrome in his ankles because his wrist tendons gave out long ago.
Needless to say, I bought one of each. After some comprehensive stress testing, I’ll let you know which Fleshlight™ is right for you!
