Behold this tale from the days of yore when I worked as a register monkey in a gas station.

I’d just gotten switched over from night to day shift.  Common sense would dictate that the worst events happen during the night, but no – Homeless zombies drunk at 7 sharp digging through the trash and demanding change.  Strung out college students hung over from a Tuesday night at Washington’s. Scratch game addict housewives. I hate you all. That, and waking up before 10 AM just plain sucks.

I awaken bright and early (8:45) to arrive by 9 AM and pull on my horrendously McDonald’s-esque red work shirt. I step behind my register, muttering my way through a few morning industrial waste coffee transactions, when my manager informs me, “There’s a present for you in the bathroom…” Figuring it was one of those wonderfully inspiring little Jesus pamphlets I’m constantly finding on the counters, I stroll nonchalantly towards the bathroom to remove the imagined offending item.

I open the door to discover a visage of sheer horror. Rising above the rim of the toilet like a blasphemous monolith to unknown elder gods is the biggest fucking turd I have ever seen in my life. Shitting this object out must have taken an effort of Herculean proportions, as it appeared to be over a foot long, and roughly the circumference of a spray paint can. And black! Blacker than the tortured soul of Hitler himself! What had this person eaten to create such an abomination? This thing was actually sticking out of the toilet! Did this unholy turd lift the shitter off the seat as it emerged? Who had performed this feat of dreadful anal birth? Was it Bling Bling Lotto Guy? The Pack of Matches Crackhead? Pyramid Scheme Dude? The Pepsi delivery guy? Oh no, it wasn’t that hot girl, was it? I’ll never hit on her again.

Repeated flushing did little to diminish the hulking mass of crap. I walked out and told my manager that he’s cleaning it up. There was no way in hell that I’d cowboy up and wrangle that bronco.

His only reply was, “You should have seen it before I broke it in half”.