Spring is in the air! That means warmer weather, flowers in bloom, pretty girls in sundresses and, of course, Easter! Smiling parents decorate eggs and hide them for excited children as adorable bunny rabbits deliver baskets of eggs and chocolate. However, far more sinister horrors are lurking in the shadows behind this joyous and candy-filled holiday. Read on to discover the dangers of Easter and how to avoid them.
Easter Bunny
Don’t trust this cuddly bastard
The harbinger of impending chocolaty treats, the Easter Bunny is adored by all. That is, until the fluffy little sonofabitch shits tiny little pellets all over the floor and breeds thousands of horrible spawn that overtake your house. Additionally, if Cadbury Cream Egg commercials have taught me anything, the Easter Bunny makes a seriously obnoxious chicken noise.
Danger Level: 2/5
Jesus H. Christ
He died for your sins but he’s back for your brains
In today’s secular world, many people don’t realize that Easter is actually based upon the world’s first horrific zombie outbreak. Unlike most other undead creatures, J to tha C has like a million billion other zombie slaves that will come to your house and try to get you to hang out with them. Arm yourself with a shotgun and aim for the head ‘lest He rise again. Danger Level: 4/5
Easter Eggs
A wise man (my buddy Kevin from junior high) once invented this timeless proverb: Give a man an egg and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to egg and he’ll eat the paint off your car. Watch out for small children carrying baskets filled with these paint-destroying chicken bombs, otherwise you’ll be scrubbing crusty chunks of yolk off the side of your house for weeks.
Danger Level: 3/5
Marshmallow Peeps
Chock fulla teeth rotting goodness
These gelatinous blobs of high fructose goo make a yearly appearance near Easter, rivaling the finest methamphetamines as a tooth removal utility. The best defense against a Peep attack is a good offense – grab the nearest whiffle bat and start whacking these sugary bastards at your friends. Either that or toss a few in the microwave, crank that bitch up to four minutes and make like Forrest Gump by jogging at a steady pace away from the scene.
– Danger Level 5/5
Now that you’re properly educated about the dangers of Easter, print and distribute this guide out for your family and friends, preferably on nice glossy paper. Forewarned is forearmed!
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