Favorite Gym Characters: Personal Trainer Edition

Have you ever wondered how some of your Favorite Gym Characters managed to invent such stupid ass workouts? Me too. You could spend valuable time reading garbage like Men’s Health for your bad workout needs, but why bother? It’s way easier to pay $55/hour for a personal trainer to read it to you. I’ve compiled this handy list of Favorite Personal Trainers just in case you need to take your workout to the next level.

Dynamic “Definitely Not Banging” Duo

He’s a tattooed Cuban refugee with a troubled past and arms chiseled from solid stone. She’s an unappreciated wife with an inattentive husband and rock-solid glutes that you can bounce $.73 off of. Together, they’re the Dynamic “Definitely Not Banging” Duo! These two personal trainers go to great lengths to convince the general population that they aren’t bumping uglies in the locker room as soon as they punch the clock. They’re always seen on separate sides of the gym unless they’re “working out” together, but the not-so-subtle caresses and star-crossed looks of this weight room soap opera tell the truth of their forbidden (by company policy) love.

Fattie Hochunk

 If your body is a commercial for your training abilities, this personal trainer is the equivalent of a 12 AM used car ad on local access cable. Every gym I’ve ever worked out at has at least one obese personal trainer. Do gyms have some kind of hiring quota? I find it baffling that anyone would hire a trainer who gets winded while verbally explaining the workout to clients, but there’s never any shortage of potential customers for this type of D-list brand of fitness instructor. Pioneer of the Real Women Have Curves™® program, Fattie Hochunk offers advice on where to purchase the city’s most delicious muffins after an excruciating set of 5 body weight squats.

Basketball Boobs

This lady is the only personal trainer in the entire gym who actually smiles. And why not? It’s a great day in Fake Titty Land, where the boobs defy gravity and the dudes are drooling like starving dogs whenever she jumps rope. In stark contrast to Fattie Hochunk, Basketball Boobs is 38, has 3 kids and is the absolute picture of fitness perfection. Now if only she could get a few clients that can measure up instead of dumpy middle aged guys who just pay her to talk to them for a while.

Grandma Fitness

This walking corpse is old enough to have potty trained Jack Lalanne, but Grandma Fitness is pulling up more weight on deadlifts than 90% of the juiceheads in the gym. Her “Duck and Cover” squat program is pretty awesome for when those pesky commies drop the bomb. Her advice is also great for slowing the onset of decomposition and maintaining flexibility throughout the mummification process. Grandma Fitness may have lived through the Great Depression, but you sure as shit won’t live through one of her excruciatingly difficult group fitness classes.
 

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