Childcare in the modern digital age is a challenge. How are parents supposed to balance the task of teaching their child to take a dump in the proper place as well as give Junior the skills to compete in today’s increasingly competitive Angry Birds market? Enter the amazing new product bestowed upon mankind directly from the hand of God himself – the iPotty!

Prophecy states that this Throne of Games is endowed with the following features:

– Comfortable and child-friendly potty with activity stand for iPad (2nd, 3rd, and 4th generation) 
Own a 1st gen? No iPotty for you, peasant.

– Adjustable stand securely holds and helps protect iPad while kids play 
You think this is a game, son? Playing Candy Crush on the can is a lifestyle, and kids need to start developing these skills at a young age.

– Easy to clean with removable inner potty bowl, potty seat and splashguard
Run your iPotty through the dishwasher along with the dishes you eat off of for even easier cleaning! Don’t forget that splashguard!

– Clear touchscreen protector guards against smudges and messy hands
Seriously, you’re gonna be way glad they included this feature. For real.

– 360° Rotating stand easily switches between horizontal and vertical views
For the discriminating youngster who prefers to check his or her Outlook in landscape format!

I sadly own neither a child nor an iPad, yet I remain possessed of a burning desire to enable small children to view YouTube videos while taking a dump. Rather than waste precious minutes on OkCupid meeting the girl of my dreams and waiting the requisite 9 months for nature to take its course, I purchased a child, an iPad and an iPotty for testing purposes.

Upon opening the box, the child sprang forth – alive, well and full of potential bowel movements. I promptly assembled the iPotty, attached the iPad and instructed the child to have a seat. I’m guessing he/she was purchased from a foreign country as the child had difficulty understanding English. It wound up running off somewhere, so I was forced to try the contraption out myself.

The verdict: Other than some minor leg cramps, the iPotty is a bathroom dream come true. I’ve begun replacing all furniture in my house with iPotties so houseguests and family members can experience the digital bliss associated with having an iPad screen in front of your face 24/7. Check it out:

ipotty living room

My posh new living space

Can you say “triumph of modern interior design?” I eagerly await the day when CTA Digital creates a bed with an iPad holder that I can shit in. Until then, I party with the iPotty.