Plenty of Fish is plenty played out, and even Tinder barely generates a spark these days. Oddly enough, Craigslist M4W ads are still my best source for internet dates. I’m going to share a location-specific Craigslist M4W that I helped a friend in Portland create. Give it a read and see if you can learn how to write a Craigslist M4W ad of your own.

Single Man Seeks “Typical Portland Hottie”

I’ve recently moved to Portland and I am looking to sample some local flavor. While I don’t want to be too particular, I’ve compiled a list to help in my quest for the perfect portland female between the age of 18-35.

Body Type

I’m looking for someone who is somewhere between “comically overweight” and “meth addiction skinny”. If you happen to fall between these two extremes, we should be good. Here are a few other items that might narrow down the list:

At least one regrettable tattoo Several would be a plus. In fact, you should be covered with bad ink. Especially the face and neck. Show me how unique you are by getting a few sparrows or a nautical star tattooed someplace relatively visible.

A lot of facial piercings. I mean, I want to you be a TSA nightmare when flying due to all the shrapnel lodged in your face.

Pasty and incredibly pale. I’d like to see your circulatory system through your porcelain skin. I’d even be willing to carry a parasol in case we mistakenly wake up early and venture outside while the sun is still up.

Crazy hair. Something like a Skrillex-inspired reverse mohawk that’s dyed some color that doesn’t occur in nature. That would be neat.

Personality and Style

I want you to to be unique and interesting. Different from everybody while still remaining quintessentially “Portland”. I am talking QUIRKY!!!. Also:

Passive aggression is a must. Never be direct with anything. Ever. It makes you interesting and desirable.

You should be able to use one or more of the following words to describe your personality:

• Cunt
• bitch
• sarcastic
• pushy
• independent
• demanding
• delusional
• entitled

Overly-educated. Constantly complain about how you are too smart for your part-time barista job by flashing your very relavant Master’s degree in Post Feminist Western Liberal Rhetoric. I’d like to learn more!

Have some bizarre dietary restriction and demand that I also adhere to it. Something like “raw food carnivore” or “dumpster-diving fruititarian”. Heck, I’ve been looking to change up my diet anyway.

Crazy sense of fashion. I want your clothes to look like you made them yourself while hiding in a dark basement because your drug addiction is making you paranoid. Either that, or your wardrobe should consist entirely of American Apparel garments.

Engage in “slam” poetry.Also, you should be in a band. Maybe an “art noise” duo or some type of “Cascadian Black Metal” outfit. That would be fun.

Sexual Preference

I’m tired of the same boring, old fashioned vanilla heterosexual woman. Please be more unique than that. Here are some made-up sexual identities that intrigue me.

• queer
• pansexual
• omnisexual
• polyamourous
• demisexual
• good ol’ bisexual

or maybe you just have some strange sexual fantasies that I might be able to fulfill. Something like BDSM, cuckoldery or getting pooped on. I might be into that.

No trannies though. Must be born with an actual vagina

Whew! That’s a pretty solid list to get you started. You probably want to know a bit about me:

ME:

The exact opposite of everything I’ve outlined above. I’m clean-cut, fit, healthy, strong, well-educated and independently wealthy. Hey man, if my overly touchy junior high science teacher taught me anything, its that opposites attract!

Send me an instagram picture of you flipping off the camera with your best “I don’t give a fuck” sneer! Show me you are my Portland Princess. Let’s start a tragically fucked-up and toxic relationship that you can blog about for years to come!

Why This Ad Works

If you know anything about Portland, you know that it’s a hotbed of hipster and SJW fuckery. The dating scene there is no different, so this ad does an excellent job of weeding out the sort of people that my friend doesn’t want to deal with. While I’d say it goes a little far in terms of narrowing the field (he didn’t get many responses), the ad’s laser focus allowed him to meet three normal, physically fit girls.

As always, it’s good to include some funny material in your Craigslist M4W ad. This one is pretty heavy on the sarcasm, which plays well to a west coast audience. I wouldn’t recommend this approach in many other places (you’d receive zero replies in the Midwest, for instance). Tailor your location-specific M4W ad to your environment. If you live in a sunny, fun-loving area such as a Florida beach, you’ll want a brighter/more positive tone. You can get away with a more “nice guy” approach if you live in the Midwest or a small town.

Want to learn more about writing good Craigslist M4W ads? Check out more of my Craigslist advice articles