Ah, Facebook! The world’s largest data-mining timesuck. Unfortunately, social networking is a necessary evil – especially when it takes a month for a friend to answer an email or phone call but thirty seconds to reply to a Facebook message. For the low, low price of your privacy, there’s plenty o’ annoying bullshit fun to be found on Facebook, including:

The Facebook Couples’ Profile

Jennyandmark Smith likes your status

Are you one of the statistically insignificant members of society who have found true love and unbelievable romance for all eternity? Broadcast your nauseating codependency across the land with a Couples Facebook Profile! Just make sure to sign a prenup specifying who gets profile ownership when you inevitably discover your weirdo boyfriend/husband has created a group entitled “I Bet We Can Find 1,000,000,000 People Who Masturbate To Pictures Of Garden Gnomes.”

Thirst Traps

OMG like look at me already

You know what’s awesome? Boobs. You know what’s not so awesome? Attention whoring. Resist the temptation to hit the “like” button on Brittany’s bikini pics or her ego will explode like the Challenger. Repeat after me: “Girl, I’d crawl across a mile of broken glass butt naked just to suck a fart out of your ass” is NOT a good pickup line.

Video Game Requests

You tryna play or what

After huffing five different types of glue, what more does life have to offer? The answer: Picking virtual veggies! Farmville is the only game to successfully dethrone Guitar Hero as “Shittiest Virtual Simulation of Something You Should Probably Just Do In Real Life.” Don’t forget to endlessly bug the fucking shit out of your friends to play too, otherwise you’ll never harvest that virtual crop of hemp you spent virtual months virtually growing.

Pictures Of Your Kids

Birth -> Social Media -> Death

You know what I love? Seeing endless pictures of your spawn. I’m sure they’ll grow up to love it too. Remember back in the day when you had to sign up for your own facebook profile? Your kid doesn’t. Everyone who grew up after about 1995 has had their entire lives pasted on the internet, so don’t even try and stop your mom from showing your girlfriend that picture of the third time you pissed your pants at Disneyland.

That Weird Kid From High School

What’s up, cuck?

What’s that you say? You specifically searched me out on Facebook just to tell me that you’re a super successful dude with lots of awesome guns friends and a really sexy blow up doll girlfriend and we should be online friends even though you had that lumpy forehead? Think I’ll pass. Gotta admit, I do get a kick out of seeing former football stars’ and prom queens’ lives implode around them in a haze of children and obesity. You know, maybe Facebook isn’t that bad after all!

A slightly different/outdated version of this post appeared on my old blog Bronan The Barbarian on Dec 10, 2010