Finding true love is a horrific pain in the ass. It involves leaving the house, making friends or getting a job, then actually interacting with the opposite sex. Obtaining a mate the old school way takes way too long and doesn’t cater to my ever-increasing attention deficit disorder. Thank the gods for Tinder, the phone dating app that allows you to find the person of your dreams with a tap of the screen.

Tinder removes the boring “personality” aspect from internet dating sites such as Plenty of Fish or OkCupid. Instead, you have “Judgement: The Video Game” where you tap yes or no based on a person’s appearance. After several months of screwing around with Tinder, I’ve decided that the eligible bachelorettes in my area are simply too unique. That’s why I’ve created this helpful guide (complete with examples!) on how to become the ultimate cookie-cutter Tinder Basic Bitch.

Get A Fake Mustache

Nothing shows your unique, quirky side like a Fake mustache. In fact, fake mustaches are the number one requirement for a Tinder Basic Bitch. Extra credit: display your commitment by getting a mustache tattooed on your finger. Not sure how to pull off the fake mustache? Take a look at these exciting examples:

Make sure your friends are as basic as you are

Extra normal

Fake mustache: If it’s good enough for Aunt Betty’s wake, it’s good enough for your Tinder profile

Take A Pic With Poor Foreign Kids

Do you love travel? How about sorta giving back to a largely ungrateful impoverished nation while mainly laying around on the beach?!? Bring out the basic nature of your Tinder profile by showcasing a little voluntourism. Make sure you take a few pics with poor foreign children. Curious how it’s done? Check out this example:

At least the kid is smiling

Inspiring Motivational Quotes

Basically, your internet dating profile should be a vehicle to inspire as well as score free dinners. Why not toss in a bible verse or song lyric instead of writing something about yourself? If you can’t think of anything motivational, take it to the most basic level by copy/pasting “It’s goin’ down, I’m yellin’ Tinder”.

I can hear that “Let It Go” song just by looking at this

Drinks

Nothing screams “basic” like the inability to have fun without alcohol. Break out a few pics of you and/or your friends posing with drinks because, let’s face it, you’re probably drunk in 90% of your pictures anyway. There’s really no wrong way to showcase your alcoholism, but let’s go ahead and check out a few examples:

It’s 9 AM somewhere

Bonus points for trying to collect Snapchat/Instagram/Twitter followers instead of actually wanting to meet someone

If you’d really like to hide how completely devoid of substance you are show how fun you are, ensure that there’s a different form of alcohol in every pic.

It’s Mountain Dew and Franzia

Writing A Basic Tinder Profile

Ask yourself if you love the following:

• Having fun
• Family
• Some form of deity
• Your Job
• Friends
• Not being “your everyday girl”

Cram 3-6 of these incredibly basic pieces of info into a sentence or two and paste them into your written profile section. Or a Will Farrell quote. Or whatever, just leave the whole thing blank. Writing is hard.

What to shoot for

Ideally, you should be combining as many of these Basic basics as possible into your profile. Reach for the stars moon outer atmosphere sky top shelf by combining two or more of the above! This picture nails a solid 3 out of 5 Basic qualities all at once. Observe, learn and copy:

Fake mustache? Check. Basic text? Check. Beer? Check. Toss in some foreign kid and a quote and we have a winning formula! I hope you found my Tinder guide both helpful and informative. Tune in next time when I shred out some terrible dude profiles.