Welcome to Matt’s Guide to the Wonderful World of Fashion! This is the first in a series of articles wherein I helpfully impose my fashion sense upon the internet with an iron fist.
Many of my readers have questioned the acceptability of gracing Walmart and other public venues with their presence sans pants. I’ve created this handy flow chart outlining every possible scenario regarding whether or not your gargantuan fupa should be hidden from public view.
Even though the flow chart should be self-explanatory, I’ll go ahead and add a few more visual cues* for my literacy-challenged following.
Fupa + Jorts + Walmart = Unacceptable
Beer + Walmart – Pants = Unacceptable
“So,” you’re asking yourself. “How can I, the on-the-go Walmart patron, ever hope to tackle a challenge as vast as encasing my gigantic, sausage-like ass within a concealing garment?” The answer is quite simple!
Cottage cheese ass + walmart – pants = unacceptable
Step 1: Purchase pants, skirts, kilts, trousers, a circus tent, etc. This can be done at Walmart!
Underage + bikini + Walmart: Acceptable in many European countries
Step 2: Shoehorn your fat ass into whatever attire you’ve picked from the above list. Be realistic and ensure that your chosen leg apparel covers your lower half (INCLUDING fupa! I can’t stress this enough, people), fits properly (ie fat rolls are not extruding over the top/through holes like a Play-Doh Fun Factory) and employs ballistically secure fasteners that will not explode away from your body due to expansion stress, endangering the eyes of nearby children. Safety first!
Step 3: You are now officially able to enter the public arena without immediately inducing vomiting amongst the general populace. Send letters to friends, family and the court system informing them of your success.
I hope my guide has helped enrich your dreary life. Make sure you check in regularly for more informative fashion tips! Read next: 5 Pictures of Otherkin Couples That Will Make You Wish You Weren’t A Cisgender Shitlord
pics courtesy of PeopleOfWalmart.com
