Many of you are aware that I’m the Ultimate Master Graphic Design Guru, but you may not be aware that I’m also the Ultimate Master Sacred Sexuality Guru in my spare time (all day every day).

If you’ve never heard of Sacred Sexuality, it’s like regular sexuality but more Sacred. Got it? No? If you don’t understand, I would suggest buying a membership to Matt’s Secret Sacred Sexuality Super Success Seminar Masterclass – a $200 value, yours for only $199.99/month (no refunds).

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Did you buy your membership? Excellent! Now that that’s out of the way, I wanted to pose an interesting question regarding Sacred Sexuality from Bryan, one of my Masterclass Members:

You’re walking along the beach and come across this. Wut do?

For those of you who aren’t well versed in the art of Sacred Sexuality, this is a ritual known as the Sacred Sexual Pagan Beach Fertility Rite Celebration.

As a Sexual Guru, I’m invited to at least three Celebrations per week. It may be intimidating for a spiritual novice such as yourself, so here’s an example of how I used my Sacred knowledge to participate in the Celebration.

I’m engaged in the art of Holy Nudity at all times while outdoors, so I approach the group with my Raging Ritual Boner at the ready. I then repeatedly poke Pagan Fertility Rite Participant #3 in the back of the head, annoying her until she places her floral Fertility Wreath upon my tree branch-like Nature Schlong. 

Using a circular hip thrusting motion reminiscent of fellow sexual guru SpongeBob Squarepants, I begin a hands-free spin of the Fertility Wreath around my Sacred Dong, ending with a mighty flourish that tosses the crown on top of Pagan Fertility Rite Participant #5’s head.

All six Participants are (of course) wildly impressed and aroused by my Hallowed Hip Mastery, beginning a Sacred Feminine Slap Fight in order to gain my Divine Affection. Pagan Fertility Rite Participant #2 emerges as the winner of this fight. All other women are now engaged in Holy Nudity as the brawl has left the remainder of their Ritual Garments in tatters.

I congratulate Pagan Fertility Rite Participant #2 on her victory with a quick squeeze of the boobies and begin Celebratory Intercourse directly with her Female Vagina. All other Pagan Fertility Rite Participants immediately call a ceasefire, gazing in awe upon the our animalistic, yet somehow beautiful, Devout Beach Bonedown. Pagan Fertility Rite Participant #1 begins the Sacred Chant of the Revered Pagan Cunnilingus Makeout Circle.

At this point I’ve already impregnated Pagan Fertility Rite Participant #2 with our child, The Chosen One. I in turn perform more Sacred Doggy Style with the remaining Participants, resulting in Chosen One Two, Chosen One Three, Chosen One Four, Chosen One Five and Chosen One Six. As the rite is now complete, each new Holy Mother lays down for a night of rest, having been satisfied both physically and spiritually to the utmost.

Having blessed their bodies and souls, I block their numbers (Sacredly) and continue my Holy Pilgrimage to that other party down the beach over there.

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Did you enjoy this tale? Check out my compilation of humor articles The Chronicles of Bronan The Barbarian for only $12.95 (print) or $5.99 (ebook) available now on Terror House Press!

You can also hire me to draw stuff for you.