If you’ve ever lived in an apartment complex, you’re guaranteed to have a few “interesting” characters living with you, around you or simply underneath your porch. I’ve lived in a lot of strange places in my life, but the strangest had to be Portland, OR. Journey through a gallery of the bizarre with my list of Favorite Apartment Complex Characters:
Joey Jo Jo Junior Shabadoo – Our lovable landlady, this burnt-out refugee from a Grateful Dead jam session somehow manages to collect my rent check each month, yet consistently forgets who I am despite the fact that I live directly across from her. Joey Jo Jo’s occasional mid-conversation acid flashbacks are pretty entertaining, plus she’s really good at observing the same duck for hours at a time.
Greasy Fatso Hoarder – Does this man’s apartment contain some kind of dimensional vortex? I have no idea how Greasy Fatso manages to cram 30 bikes into a two-bedroom apartment and still leave room for a vast collection of chainsaws, night-vision goggles, metal detectors and a full-blown soapmaking operation. Greasy Fatso is often seen wearing overalls and breathing through his mouth while throwing away mysterious bags of trash at 3 AM, then returning from an hour-long bike ride holding a possum carcass. Ladies – If you’re looking for the kind of guy who can stare at a porch light for 15 minutes without blinking, let me know and I’ll put in a good word for you.
Upstairs LGBT Enclave – If you could sum up Portland in a single apartment, this would be it. Composed of a Three’s Company-esque trio of Effeminate Twiggy Hipster, Lesbian Homer Simpson and Sexy Rave Party Girl, these strange denizens of the upstairs apartment combine to form Gay Drama Voltron. Seeing Rave Girl’s perfect ass jogging down the street in neon pink booty shorts almost makes up for the pain of listening to Lesbian Homer’s drunken post-softball tournament breakups or Twiggy Hipster’s slam poetry about his latest crush.
Stoney Baloney – Everyone’s favorite cheerfully stoned wigger, Stoney Baloney earns his name from endlessly smoking those nasty grape-flavored cigarillos they sell at gas stations. Stoney Baloney wakes up around 4:20 in the afternoon, ready to burn one down. Hey brah, you guys new around here? Stoney Baloney has the lock on all the killer munchies, so just hit him up for a 45 minute conversation on Portland’s sickest munchies. Stoney Baloney has a doctorate in “mooching off his girlfriend,” offering to pick up a 3 AM pizza on her dime and then eating the whole thing on the drive home.
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