Fig. 1: The Jeweled Butt Plug

Throughout history, humanity has had a fascination, bordering upon obsession, with the butt. It is simultaneously an object of worship or horror, simply depending upon the quality and quantity of ass. Recently a friend of mine has developed a fascination with not just the butt, but the jeweled butt plug. He inquires:

“Still trying to make sense of the fact that we’re living in an era when girls are showing off their buttholes … History-buff expertise needed: Have there been many other eras when girls showed off jewelry stuck in their buttholes?”

I initially chastised him for his lack of butt plug knowledge. Yet, somehow the history of the jeweled butt plug is not common knowledge. Luckily I’ve obtained a rare autographed copy of Dick Bushmaster’s “A Comprehensive History Of Ass Jewelry” (Puffin Books, c. 1983). Educate yourself with this selection, reprinted by kind permission from Our Lord and Saviour, Ron Jeremy.

Fig. 2: The Butt Plug Bill Of Sale

Throughout human history, many artistic representations have come and gone. However, one of the longest-lasting and oldest art forms is, unsurprisingly, the jeweled butt plug.

Sumerian Influence

The first written record of a jeweled butt plug appeared in 3740 BC in ancient Sumer in the form of a cuneiform bill of sale. Interestingly, this bill of sale is also the oldest known example of a tax writeoff. Sumerian royalty referred to these adornments as “ur-hal”, or “That Which Blocks The Hole In The Universe”. All members of the ruling caste were required to shove hardened clay into their asses, lest they call forth the wrath of Anu from beyond the void.

Early Sumerian butt plugs were made from river mud, shaped by hand and hardened in the sun. Depending on the wealth of the wearer, jeweled butt plugs could be embedded with garnets, ruby chips or even a simple shiny rock. These butt plugs frequently wash up to this day on the banks of the Tigris and Euphrates rivers, where citizens promptly shove them up their own asses or the asses of nearby neighbors.

Ancient Egypt

Fig. 3: The Eye Of Horus

While typically associated with early Mesopotamian culture, many other societies engaged in the practice of jeweled butt plug use. Ancient Egyptians referred to the butthole as “The Eye of Horus”. According to Egyptian mythology, The Eye of Horus must be blinded once per day through the aid of the “ka-baramu”, or jeweled butt plug. Failing this action, the sun will never set and will instead bathe the world in eternal burning heat.

Butt plug usage in ancient Egypt was oddly limited to the merchant and upper class until 3320 BC, when King Tutenkhamen, colloquially known as “King Tut The Butt Slut”, decreed butt plug usage mandatory to all Egyptians. Scholars speculate this action may have led to the eventual decline of the 18th Dynasty.

Jeweled Butt Plugs In Prehistory

Remnants of stone or sticks covered with feces and decorative markings appear as early as the Paleolithic Age. In fact, some historians speculate Piltdown Man was the originator of the practice, though the religious significance remains unknown.

Lacking technological sophistication, prehistoric butt plugs remained quite primitive. However, primitive man made do with crudely carved pieces of quartz. Due to great age and poor preservation, few butt plugs exist from this time period, making accurate study difficult.

Conclusion

The history of the butt plug, though hotly debated, remains one of humanity’s most fascinating topics. I would highly encourage you to contribute to anthropology by doing your own research. All hail science!

Read next: Educate (& Evacuate) Your Child With The iPotty!

This article is absolutely not a thinly-veiled advertisement for butt plugs