Ok bitches! Who’s ready for the rootin’est, tootin’est, gun-shootin’est ‘Merican holiday in the entire country? Not you, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this Groundhog Day drinking game guide. Time to get day drunk with the East Coast’s most beloved, non-Mickey Mouse rodent!

Straub Groundhog Brew

Drink ’till you can’t see your own shadow

Here are the rules. If you aren’t still wasted from the night before, you’re doing it wrong. You’re gonna need to catch up by drinking the prescribed amount of Straub Groundhog Brew every time you see the following cliches:

DRINK FOR 5 SECONDS any time some dork mentions the movie Groundhog Day or tosses out some tired-ass Bill Murray reference. DRINK FOR 7.5 SECONDS if you actually see Bill Murray.

Plush Groundhog Day HatDRINK FOR 10 SECONDS every time you see somebody wearing one of those silly Groundhog Day Hats. You know, because the whole theme of Groundhog Day is an animal? Specifically a groundhog? If you’re the one wearing the animal hat, DRINK FOR 15 SECONDS and THE PERSON TO YOUR IMMEDIATE RIGHT GETS TO PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH.

DRINK FOR 15 SECONDS every time you see a drunken college kid vomiting at or before 6 AM. The person to your right must steal the vomiting kid’s wallet before the 15 seconds is up, otherwise he/she must TAKE ONE SHOT.

Fat Groundhog punxsutawney philAny time you hear the “bring out the rat” chant, everyone in the group must DRINK UNTIL THE CHANT ENDS or YOU BLACK OUT, whichever comes first. If you black out, the person to your immediate left must draw a groundhog penis on your forehead.

TAKE 2 SHOTS any time the groundhog bites his handler and gives him/her rabies. CHUG YOUR ENTIRE BEER if the groundhog shits tiny groundhog pellets while being held above the heads of the unsuspecting audience.

Gobbler's Knob Groundhog day punxsutawney philDO A KEG STAND every time some immature person starts laughing at the term “Gobbler’s Knob.” Grow up, people. “Knob” is an ancient Native American term for “penis” and there’s nothing funny about simple human anatomy.

Finally, any person who is still conscious must make a prediction on whether or not the groundhog will see its shadow. For every incorrect guess, you must DIVIDE UP THE REMAINDER OF THE ALCOHOL, MIX IT UP INTO ONE CUP and DRINK THE REST OF IT. The last person to finish their booze hurricane must PAY FOR THE AMBULANCE BILL.

See? This drinking game proves that Groundhog Day is the best holiday ever created by any culture in the history of mankind. Anybody who says otherwise is a damn dirty liar. Until next year!

Read next: Educate & Evacuate Your Child With The iPotty!