• wedding-chapel-with-elvis-impersonator

How I Got Married And Divorced In Two Days

By |November 16th, 2016|

Marriage can be a beautiful union between two people who are madly, deeply in love. Or it can be a living hell from which you can never awaken, all because you knocked up that hostess at Denny’s while you were both drunk on mouth wash. […]

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The Most Important Question To Ask Before You Go On A Date

By |May 5th, 2016|

A while ago I wrote a Craigslist ad based around a straight edge theme. Turns out that this is a bad idea – apparently the only girls who want to date straight edge guys are either fucked-up single moms looking for a knight in shining […]

  • Japanese tourist with many cameras

Legend of the Japanese Tourist

By |April 25th, 2016|

Have you ever been in a Walmart parking lot in rural Illinois at 3 in the morning and seen an Asian guy with a $3000 camera taking a picture of a stop sign for god knows why? Congratulations, you’ve encountered a Japanese tourist! They’re real, […]

Dungeons & Dildos: A New Year’s Adventure

By |February 17th, 2016|

New Years Eve is a bumbling festival of expensive cover charges and wasted amateurs. Why not skip the whole thing and go to a party? Check out this tale of one of my exciting New Years Eve celebrations. This story was originally published on 11/19/2010 at […]

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My First Craigslist Missed Connection

By |April 22nd, 2015|

Awkward comedies are the worst. In fact, cringe-worthy crapfests like Big Bang Theory or Curb Your Enthusiasm usually make me leave the room. I got an awkward wedding invitation a few years ago that was worthy of Larry David. Not only had I dated the […]

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An April Fools Prank On My Boss

By |April 1st, 2015|

Everyone has stories about an insane place of employment. My former employer is a cool guy, but straight-up batshit crazy when it comes to home improvement projects. A few years ago, he started a quest to redo his garage and back yard. I’m talking MASSIVE […]

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"What’s The Worst Tattoo You’ve Ever Given Someone?"

By |March 25th, 2015|

Back in the day, bikers, sailors and convicts used to have tattoos. This was pretty sweet because tattoos were like a big neon sign that told you where to buy drugs. Now every dumbass hipster has knuckle tattoos and anchors etched on nonexistent biceps and […]

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The Crazy Girl Saga

By |March 23rd, 2015|

My name is widely known throughout the land for some of the weirdest and worst dating experiences. One of the more legendary in a long line of fucked up dating misadventures involves a cute girl I met on Craigslist a few years ago. I simply […]

  • Pine Sol lady

The Excommunication of Pine Sol Guy

By |February 6th, 2015|

I don’t know what the deal is with low-budget workout facilities. Short of Walmart, gyms seem to attract the biggest screwballs on the face of the earth. The lord and master of all Gym Weirdos is Pine Sol Guy, and this is the story of […]

  • Bill cosby drinking a coke

Local Fatso Crowned Emperor of Shitty Food Service

By |December 3rd, 2014|

Ever been to Portland, Oregon? I used to live there, so I know firsthand that PDX has some comically awful food service. It’s probably because every hipster with a PhD in Free Range Coffee Studies is convinced they’re too intelligent to serve food cart chow […]