You don’t fucking skateBack in junior high I used to think of myself as a badass skater. I’m talking like Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater-level badass. This was pure delusion since I couldn’t do basic tricks like ollies or kickflips. I was so shitty I could barely ride down the street without winding up in the hospital. However, I was super good at walking around holding a skateboard and watching a lot of skate videos.

One of my favorite skate memories involved me and a bunch of my older hoodlum friends sitting around in the park trying to ollie over beer bottles. I’d wrecked my hand trying to ollie over the world’s tiniest pebble, so of course I was sitting on my ass trying to look as cool as possible. Suddenly we feel a huge rumble and about 15 sixth graders start pouring out of the bathroom and scattering every direction. One of my friends grabbed my brother, who happened to be part of the chaos. “The fuck did you guys do?” he demanded.

Nuke the shitter

“Ummmm we flushed a cherry bomb and blew up the toilet. Gotta get out of here man!” He tore off in search of more mayhem.

We headed over to survey the destruction and sure enough, pieces of porcelain were blown through the ceiling and water was everywhere. We went back to skating, wondering how we could get ahold of some cherry bombs when the park caretaker ran up threatening to call the cops. “Hey man, wasn’t us. It was a bunch of little kids!” Of course he called bullshit and got on the horn with the cops so we bailed. Good times.

I love skating, but these days I content myself with watching on the sidelines because 1) I’m a crusty old fuck by skater standards and 2) I still suck at riding a skateboard. Another thing I love besides being a poser is the bright, colorful art on skate decks.

When I first got into design I’d hoped to create skate decks. I figured “Thirsty Graphics” would be a good name and look great as a sticker, so I promptly began staring at skateboard company logos for hours. After I uncrossed my eyes I designed this:

Pretty decent for a fledgling attempt at logo design, though I could do way better these days.

I loved the name because it lent itself to a lot of cool concepts, but ultimately I shut down Thirsty Graphics. Every time I mentioned the name people were all “yeeeeeaaahhhhh booze thirsty I gotcha” and then would start talking to me about beer. I haven’t drank a beer since high school, so I just stare blankly whenever people deliver monologues on why Crusty Trout Ale is hoppy with a hint of yeasty malt.  Lesson learned kids, don’t be a poser (even accidentally) or else you’ll wind up standing around holding a skateboard trying to change your business name. Now let’s all celebrate how great the soundtrack to Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater was with some classic Dead Kennedys: