You know what rules? Drugs, that’s what. There’s no easier, quicker or better path to ultimate coolness than to get totally jacked up on PCP and rob an elementary school with a ski mask and a banana. Personally I don’t do drugs because drugs make you stupid, but I wholeheartedly advocate that you use drugs because it’s mondo entertaining to watch some guy get spun out and take a dump on the high school principal’s car. So what are you waiting for? Quit being a pussy and snort that line of red ants.

Marijuana

weed smoking hippie marijuana stoner

hey uh I was all like yeah

Marijuana? Seriously? Why are you screwing around with this kid shit? Everybody and their grandma already smokes weed, so man up and do some real drugs, you poser.

What it is: The bud of the Cannibis Sativa plant
Where to find it: One of the thousands of “medical” marijuana shops in Colorado, any reliable hippie
How to use it: Smoke that shit
What it does: Provokes an insatiable hunger for Doritos
Possible side effects: Dorito-induced obesity

Cocaine

dr rockso the rock n roll clown cocaine

Seriously, a lot of cocaine

Now we’re talking! If you really want to get radical, nose dive into a huge pile of the white stuff while listening to Huey Louis and the News. Using cocaine helps you contribute to society and do your share, since every purchase helps to fund needy Columbian drug cartels. That’s way cooler than giving money to those schmucks from Greenpeace.

What it is: A powdery extract made from coca leaves
Where to find it: The 80s
Proper method of consumption: Snorted off a hooker’s ass
What it does: Starts the party
Possible side effects: Speeds up time, makes you skinnier

Crack

tyrone biggums crackhead

Crack sandwich

Have you ever performed oral sex as a service in exchange for money or goods? If you answered “yes,” crack is the drug for you. If not, buck up, skippy! It’s never too late to get started on a new career path.

What it is: The freebase or “rock” form of cocaine
Song with instructions on how
to make your own: Master P’s 1997 hip-hop masterpiece Ghetto D
Usage increases street cred by: 42.3%
What it does: Makes you way more likely to steal a TV
Possible side effects: Itchiness, all-consuming desire for more crack

Methamphetamine

Professor Farnsworth Futurama Laboratory

Actual meth lab

 

A constant problem affecting many Americans today is having way too many teeth. But what can I do to combat this dental disaster? I’m just one man! The answer: Start a meth lab. It’s fun, easy and profitable, plus it’s the closest that most people will ever come to becoming a mad scientist.

What it is: A grimy yellow rock/powder mainly composed of cleaning products from underneath the kitchen sink
Where to find it: The nearest trailer park
It’s better than: Christmas plus your birthday x 10 / the number of open sores on your right arm
What it does: Eliminates your entire welfare check
Possible side effects: Being chased up a telephone pole butt naked except for a tinfoil hat by the police at 3 AM while screaming at the top of your lungs about The Macho Man Randy Savage controlling your thoughts, listening to Pantera

LSD

tony little gazelle freestyle

Want a six-to-twelve hour ticket out of bogus-ass reality and into a hilariously lush fantasy world? More like who wouldn’t, amirite??? Just make sure you leave your Captain Bringdown party pooper friend and his bad trip complaints at home or you’ll be facing an imaginary roach-infested nightmare that makes Albuquerque look like DisneyLand.

What it is: Some kind of science-y chemical
Where to find it: Ozzy Osbourne’s medicine cabinet
What it does: Makes you write nonsense song lyrics, a la The Beatles
It’s the only way:
to tolerate a Will Ferrell movie
Possible side effects: Acid flashbacks whenever you view a Tony Little Gazelle Freestyle infomercial, instills the erroneous belief that Will Ferrell is funny

I hope you’ve enjoyed my insightful guide into the wide world of drug abuse. You can thank me later when you’re hanging out with Leif Garrett on Celebrity Rehab and thirteenth-steppin’ it with Lindsay Lohan’s reanimated corpse. You’re welcome!