A Story About Jail

funny mug shotHave you ever had an experience that’s too weird not to share? I know I’ve had plenty of ’em. Here’s the latest one to add to the roster.

I just woke up from a dream about working at jail. Not as a corrections officer, just there with my laptop doing my regular work. For no reason I started walking around the jail singing a song to the inmates about jail, sung to the tune of Danzig’s “Mother”. I even remember part of the lyrics:

Jailor
Tell my children not to come your way
Tell my children just to hear my words, what they mean, what they say
Jailor
Jailor!
Can you keep ‘em in the jail for life?
Can you feed ‘em lots of nasty food?
Oh, jailor!
Not about to see the light
But if you wanna find jail with me
I can show you what it’s like
Till you’re sleeping

Some of the corrections officers started singing along with me. We finished up the song and the inmates started cheering and demanded we sing it again. I started packing up my stuff to perform a concert for the inmates.

Then I got woken up by a repeated call. This came to my Google Voice number, which will transcribe voice mails into text. This is the voice mail:

Jail voicemail

“Hello, you have a call at no expense to you from court an inmate at Anamosa state penitentiary in Anamosa, Iowa, you must listen to this entire message before entering a selection to accept this call press 5 to refuse this call hang up now to block this call and all future calls press 9 you may interest selection now. Hello, you have a call at no expense to you from court an inmate at Anamosa state penitentiary in Anamosa, Iowa, you must listen to this entire message before entering a selection to accept this call press 5 to refuse this call hang up now to block this call and all future calls press 9 you may interest selection now.”

As I sat here typing this, the call came through again. I spoke to LaQuan. Nice guy. Thought I was his uncle. Asked if I could come pick him up but I said I lived in Colorado and Iowa is too far of a drive.

Now, I don’t want to declare myself the psychic savior of the universe that you’ve all been praying for. But I’m also not NOT saying I’m that same psychic savior.

Get my soothing coloring book so you don’t wind up in jail, then enjoy some Danzig:

By | 2017-12-18T09:59:32+00:00 December 18th, 2017|Categories: Humor, Stories|Tags: , , , , |0 Comments

About the Author:

Matt Lawrence is the world's greatest illustrator and humor author. Hire him to do your next design project.