Being a Modern Mangina in today’s environment is much different than it was a century ago. It’s all about slavishly adhering to a steady diet of soy products. Let’s examine 19 ways the Modern Mangina self-cucks while navigating today’s difficult world.
1. When the Modern Mangina buys shoes for his RealDoll, he doesn’t have to ask the manufacturer for the size. He brings the original purchase order with him to PayLess.
2. The Modern Mangina gets AIDS. On purpose.
3. The Modern Mangina is cucksiderate of others. When his wife and her boyfriend are watching a movie, he hangs out in the garage as instructed.
4. The Modern Mangina doesn’t cut the burnt part off of his steak, because he is vegan. Consuming protein is offensive to the Earth Goddess.
5. The Modern Mangina won’t spend 10 minutes looking for a parking spot because he doesn’t own a car. He rides an environmentally-friendly unicycle to pick up the kids from free-range daycare.
6. Before the Modern Mangina goes to sleep, he makes sure everybody has a fully-charged iPads. His ADD-fueled spawn need regular distraction from the sitcom-esque levels of parental failure they witness on a daily basis.
Whoop whoop my ninja
7. The Modern Mangina never buys real soda like Faygo or Dr Thunder. He only purchases sugar-free, zero calorie Zevia© soft drink from Whole Foods because his wife nags the hell out of him to feed the kids something “healthy”.
8. The Modern Mangina uses the proper names for things. For example, he says “sex-positive masculine masturbation aid” instead of “Fleshlight” even though it says “Fleshlight” right on the box.
9. The Modern Mangina has strong opinions about craft beer and riding lawnmowers.
10. Having a daughter makes the Modern Mangina more complete. He learns new things every day, like how Bella and the Bulldogs is actually filled with actionable life lessons.
#dadbodacceptance
11. The Modern Mangina is body positive. Having soy tits and stick arms is nothing to be ashamed of.
12. The Modern Mangina has never “had sexual relations” with more than 3 women, and he never will.
13. The Modern Mangina listens to NPR louder than necessary while driving, because a Subaru wagon filled with diapers is empowering and everyone needs to know it.
14. The Modern Mangina emails sexual consent forms on Match.com instead of messages.
15. The Modern Mangina has seriously debated buying a butt plug.
16. The Modern Mangina is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he simply needs a solid pegging.
17. The Modern Mangina still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning, floating in a fog of antidepressants and Ambien.
18. The The Modern Mangina jerks off to Oprah reruns. On blue-ray, of course.
19. The Modern Mangina has no use for a gun. Mostly because he has no clue how to operate one and it’s too heavy to pick up anyway.
Read next: How To Get Real Fuckin’ High On Drugs
Note: This article is a parody of this article, which I hope to god is also a parody.
